Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Saturday, May 05, 2007
More ranting
Well, the past two weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I've gone from completely happy to utterly hopeless and depressed, and back again, and down again, and so on. I've gone low enough that I've scared myself and worried the few I've let see what's happening. Two nights in a row I cried for hours, unable to get control over my own body and mind. Luckily, the past few nights have been better, but tonight I can feel myself starting to go down hill again. This time, at least, I can sorta identify a trigger, or at least one of them.
My entire life, there has always been one constant for me, and I'm sure all of you know it: dance. It's been my only true passion. Sure, I love music and reading and all that other stuff, but dance is what is in my soul. However, my body and mind can't seem to cooperate to make things work. Last night I stayed up late to watch a Baryshnikov movie (White Nights, which also had Gregory Hines, Helen Mirren, and Isabella Rossellini) and tonight the episode of "Cold Case" was about a dancer. I have to say, I've never lusted over something so much as to wish I could dance like those people. My heart fell and soard with the dancers, my arms unconsciously mimiced and marked the steps. Even my breathing matched the pace of the dances.
I first felt this hopelessness when I sprained my knee. Granted, it didn't last long, and it never got this bad, because through it all I knew I'd get through it, even if only because of the fact that I'd have to in order to survive. But now I know better. Now I know that I do not have the drive, ambition, or the tallent to become a true dancer. Sure, I dance, but can I really call myself a dancer? I have this hopeless dream of being great, of performing in movies like those famous dancers, of taking classes at the great ballet schools. Yet, I know it will never happen, and knowing that is starting to wear away at what optimism I had.
Since I developed the plantar faciitis, I took 6 whole months off from dancing to let it heal. And then, this spring, when I tried to start up dance again, the injury reared its ugly head again and squashed my hope with it. My feet have gotten a bit better again since the show in mid-March, thanks to medicine and staying off of them as much as possible. However, my mood has dipped lower and lower in the process. I fear that I'll never be able to dance as much as I wish to, ever again. If I can't even manage one ballet class a week, and a very easy class at that, how will I ever get back into shape? How will I ever re-learn technique? When I sprained my knee I was at my peak... I could actually believe that someday I might be good enough to audition for the corps of some company. And then, after the sprain, I just never got it back. I even lost my desire to try, and now that the desire is back, it's as if my body conspires against me.
But dance isn't the only thing bringing me down. The vast emptiness that is my future life spreads before me with no road for guidence. Aside from continuing my usual persuits (dance, cello, singing, teaching), I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I still haven't decided what I want to study... I still haven't decided on a career. A part of me wishes I could study to become a formal dance teacher, but I doubt I'd ever be able to do so unless my feet get better. I feel so utterly weak and lazy. And because I have no goal, I find myself slacking off in school, and thus stressing over grades way too much with out any idea of why I'm even bothering. And, to top it off, I'm facing leaving yet another person behind, and this time I just know that I'll end up hurting them, that I'll be fickle yet again and that I haven't learned anything from my past mistakes.
So yeah, over all, right now I just wish I could disappear. Fade myself from people's memories of me. I'm pretty much to the point of hating myself and most things about my life, and am starting not to care whether or not I change anything. It scares me, but I'm so tired of always having to work so hard to change myself, to fix habits, to become what I want to be. For the first time I actually feel hopeless and can't see an end to the causes of this dark mood, let alone a cure for it. I hate myself for putting my problems upon others, always complaining instead of sucking it in and fixing things. Of being so damn lazy and emotional.
My entire life, there has always been one constant for me, and I'm sure all of you know it: dance. It's been my only true passion. Sure, I love music and reading and all that other stuff, but dance is what is in my soul. However, my body and mind can't seem to cooperate to make things work. Last night I stayed up late to watch a Baryshnikov movie (White Nights, which also had Gregory Hines, Helen Mirren, and Isabella Rossellini) and tonight the episode of "Cold Case" was about a dancer. I have to say, I've never lusted over something so much as to wish I could dance like those people. My heart fell and soard with the dancers, my arms unconsciously mimiced and marked the steps. Even my breathing matched the pace of the dances.
I first felt this hopelessness when I sprained my knee. Granted, it didn't last long, and it never got this bad, because through it all I knew I'd get through it, even if only because of the fact that I'd have to in order to survive. But now I know better. Now I know that I do not have the drive, ambition, or the tallent to become a true dancer. Sure, I dance, but can I really call myself a dancer? I have this hopeless dream of being great, of performing in movies like those famous dancers, of taking classes at the great ballet schools. Yet, I know it will never happen, and knowing that is starting to wear away at what optimism I had.
Since I developed the plantar faciitis, I took 6 whole months off from dancing to let it heal. And then, this spring, when I tried to start up dance again, the injury reared its ugly head again and squashed my hope with it. My feet have gotten a bit better again since the show in mid-March, thanks to medicine and staying off of them as much as possible. However, my mood has dipped lower and lower in the process. I fear that I'll never be able to dance as much as I wish to, ever again. If I can't even manage one ballet class a week, and a very easy class at that, how will I ever get back into shape? How will I ever re-learn technique? When I sprained my knee I was at my peak... I could actually believe that someday I might be good enough to audition for the corps of some company. And then, after the sprain, I just never got it back. I even lost my desire to try, and now that the desire is back, it's as if my body conspires against me.
But dance isn't the only thing bringing me down. The vast emptiness that is my future life spreads before me with no road for guidence. Aside from continuing my usual persuits (dance, cello, singing, teaching), I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I still haven't decided what I want to study... I still haven't decided on a career. A part of me wishes I could study to become a formal dance teacher, but I doubt I'd ever be able to do so unless my feet get better. I feel so utterly weak and lazy. And because I have no goal, I find myself slacking off in school, and thus stressing over grades way too much with out any idea of why I'm even bothering. And, to top it off, I'm facing leaving yet another person behind, and this time I just know that I'll end up hurting them, that I'll be fickle yet again and that I haven't learned anything from my past mistakes.
So yeah, over all, right now I just wish I could disappear. Fade myself from people's memories of me. I'm pretty much to the point of hating myself and most things about my life, and am starting not to care whether or not I change anything. It scares me, but I'm so tired of always having to work so hard to change myself, to fix habits, to become what I want to be. For the first time I actually feel hopeless and can't see an end to the causes of this dark mood, let alone a cure for it. I hate myself for putting my problems upon others, always complaining instead of sucking it in and fixing things. Of being so damn lazy and emotional.
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