Friends

Well, I know I have whined about this periodically for the past two years, but looking online today at all the people I never talk to anymore stirred the issue up even more. Ever since high school graduation, I have lost contact with every single one of my friends, one way or another. Right now, the only constant friend I have in my life is James (K., not B.), and that's sort a given considering we've been going out for nearly 9 months now.

I really miss friendship. I miss having someone I can rant at about anything. I miss having someone other than a boyfriend whom I can feel close to. None of my family fits the bill, and though I do consider some of James' housemates (former, *sniff*) to be friends, not even Preston was/is someone I feel close enough to call up at random to see if we could hang out or for me to rant at about life, or James (well, not about him specifically, no problems there... but with connected issues), or whatnot.
Basically, now that I'm facing having to say goodbye to everything I've known (which includes breaking things off with James which I am not dealing with well), I'm feeling the absence of friends ever more acutely. Everyone whom I might have once felt close to is seperated from me now. Differing schedules, growing apart, disillusionment, or lack of enough interest to put the effort into keeping in touch has gotten in the way. I haven't made any friends at American River, and even the friends I've met online have drifted away.

I feel stranded, and I don't even miss the social aspect of it so much as the support, the connection. I mean, in Ireland I'm hoping to pull out of my shell somewhat, so socializing hopefully will no longer be an issue. But I still have two months to survive here.
I'm so lost right now reguarding James. I know it worries him that I'm struggling so hard with myself, and that just makes me feel all the worse. A part of me wishes it were all over... then I wouldn't have to worry about leaving him behind... wouldn't have to worry about our future. Another part of me clings desperately to him. I've never had such a steady relationship before (not that I've had much experience in the first place). It might seem crazy or naive, but there's times where he and I feel so natural together, I could picture us living together, stretching on into the future years. And again, other times I realize I'm not even 20 yet and I have not had so many experiences, and that by clinging to something that might not be there when I get back cuts those chances away from me. And of course, there's still that stupid/silly/impossible fantasy of having some Irish lad sweep me off my feet into the perfect relationship.

See what happens when I don't have anyone to talk to? Anyone to steady me when I'm not around my James? I talk myself into circles. And I've seen James so little lately that even his presence doesn't always center me all the way. He's my steadfast knight on the white horse, but there's a ravine coming up, and I'm not sure whether I should cling tighter to him and hope that I stay seated, or jump off before the danger comes. I know I've already started distancing myself from him emotionally at times, and I feel so hollow when that happens that I rush back, upset, and cling all the more.

Yeah... hollow is a good way to describe me right now.