"Some call it faith, some call it love...

...Some call it guidance from above
You are the reason we found ours
So thank you stars

Some people think it's far away
Some know it's with them every day
You are the reason we found ours
So thank you stars

There are no winds that can blow it away on the air
When they try to blow it away is when you know it will always be there

To some it's the strength to be apart
To some it's a feeling in the heart
And when you're out there on your own
It's the way back home

There are no winds that can blow it away on the air
When they try to blow it away is when you know it will always be there

Some call it faith, some call it love
Some call it guidance from above
You are the reason we found ours
So thank you stars
Thank you stars
Thank you stars

-Katie Melua

I watched Polar Express today with Syd, and it reminded me of a conversation I've had with several different people regarding loss of faith. Now, mind you, several of the more devout people I've discussed this with have been offended, but I mean no offense at all, and am merely trying to reconcile my own lack of faith as it would pertain to organized religion.
I have often likened a loss of faith in God to that pivotal time in kids lives (at least in America) when they lose their faith in Santa Clause. This is not said to belittle people's beliefs in God in anyway. But, think about it: when you are a child growing up (at least in most American households), your year pretty much revolves around your birthday and Christmastime. The magic of Santa performing the impossible and implausible simply adds to the magic of family tradition and thanksgiving. Receiving your heart's desire on Christmas morning under the tree makes every other offense fade inconsequentially into memory. It is also such with God: you are raised to believe in him/her/it and are provided with what you want most through one means or another (prayer, motivation, miracles, etc). God is a constant in your life, just as Santa will always show up on Christmas Eve, and performs impossible, implausible acts for your benefit, all the while maintaining a sense of mystery.
Both God and Santa are held in faith until that one day when that nagging question enters your mind: If God/Santa exists, then why did (enter your doubt-invoking occurance here) happen? After that first question comes a second, and then a third, and then you begin doubting all you have ever believed about God/Santa. Now, either this questioning can lead to the answers you seek, in which case your faith will be strengthened, or you will lose faith completely, no matter how much you wish you did believe. Faith is not something you can know, it has to be something that is so intrinsic that it is above questioning. Knowledge is always being questioned, as it should be so that we as humans can grow and develop, but therefore it cannot really come into the discussion of faith.
Now, again, this is not said to belittle God in any way, shape, or form. Remember: as a child, your belief in Santa was unconditional and all-consuming... so even if you had believed in God, it is not God who is lowered, but instead Santa who is elevated to God-like status. Also, something to think about is that since God is everything, he is technically beyond our imagination and comprehension, so who are we to say that Santa isn't God, or has God in him, or an extension of God? How can having faith in Santa be blasphemous or belittling to God if God created/is Santa?
Anywho, I know I am meandering all over this topic, but basically where I'm going with this is my own personal lack of faith in general. I have faith in humans in general, I have faith in intuition and emotions and the power we have to create things and to connect with one another. But I have no faith in Santa or God. I lost my faith in Santa long ago when I realized that Santa's handwriting on our presents looked exactly like my mom's. With God, however, or any other omnipresent/omnipotent being, I never had that faith to begin with. I was raised without a religion, and without any sort of guidance as to what to believe. Now, as much as we'd like to believe that we are entirely independent and original, we cannot create anything without /some/ sort of inspiration or instruction.
... to be continued

Loneliness

Isn't it odd how you can be lonely even when you're very rarely alone? I think it takes a particular mindset to keep yourself from loneliness, and most of the time, I do not have it. I'm perfectly find spending hours on my own, doing my own things, but the moment I feel the lack of supportive friendships, of having someone to rant to daily, to listen to and connect to, I lose all independence whatsoever. When this occurs, as it often does, I tend to 1) the internet and its many escapes, 2) random friendly people who are too nice to turn me away or care enough to actually listen. I can easily rant for extended periods of time without even realizing quite what I am saying 'til later, which tends to lead to me divulging too much information upon the hapless person. Right now, between stress from family issues, health issues, and having my one major support being thousands of miles away, I'm floundering. I feel as if I've been set adrift and everything that I want is too far out of reach for me to attain.
The two perks of such loneliness, however, help light up my gloom and doom: namely, finding friends where previously there were none and/or strengthening previous friendships, and giving myself pretty much a steady stream of inspiration, both for dance and writing. It's as if my creativity tries to distract my brain from other, less happy, thoughts with new ideas. However, this can often cause me to turn to not-so-sustainable outlets, such as my usual online games and chatting with random strangers who in the long run will most likely forget about me in a week or two.
Having this much time in my own head also leads to other bad habits: namely that endless cycle of self doubt and guilt that I am oh so good at. Since I've already ranted about this to two understanding people, I will refrain from any more of it, but let's just say that I am fantastic at guilting myself and then second guessing every little thing, which causes me to feel guilty, which causes me to doubt because I feel guilty, which causes me to feel guilty for doubting because I feel guilty....

Ponderings

I've had a lot of things on my mind lately and, to sort them out, I've been meaning to write them for some time now. First off, this past Monday, the 15th, was both Dan's birthday and our first anniversary. It's hard to believe that it's been over a year since I first went to Ireland and since I first met him. The time has passed so quickly, but then it also seems like we've always had each other, like we've known each other for ages. He's only been gone a couple weeks and already I can't wait till he comes again at Christmastime. It'll be much more relaxed this time, since I'll be out of school and we'll mostly be sticking around town. There's been several nights I've been sleepless, thinking over all the things to show him, everything we'll do, what we'll talk about, what movies we'll watch, and just how good it'll be to be able to touch him, to see his face while I talk to him. It's been hard being this far apart, but it feels doable, and I just keep looking forward to the next time he calls me, the next time I'll see him.

Another thing on my mind is everything I have ahead of me as far as school goes. Unfortunately, I don't think I'll be able to transfer to CSUS this coming year. I still have several general ed classes to complete, as well as lower division classes I can complete at Solano and save money. Thus, I'll probably have another year at community college, and perhaps transfer for spring semester a year from now.
I'm also debating the whole living at home situation. Right now I'm looking at buying another car since Meghan technically owns the Camry and she's been driving me nuts. At some point in the near future I'd like to buy a house in Village Homes, but I can't afford monthly payments on my salary, even if I rent out the extra rooms. I don't want to waste money on renting an apartment, but I really am not sure how long I can stay at home now after having lived on my own in Ireland. I'm hoping I can stick it out until I have more money saved up. Otherwise, I might have to fork out the money to share an apartment with someone. Any takers? :P

The last thing I've been thinking about is the current drama in the gang of high school friends. I've noticed over the years that the biggest drama's usually revolve around two friends in the group who dated. My sister offered the suggestion, "well, that's why you shouldn't date friends." However, I've noted something rather interesting: rather than dating within the group of friends exclusively, we tend to date other people, and then those others get incorporated into the group. For instance, I became friends with a great portion of the gang through dating James. Had I not dated him, I never would have met Molly and Olin, and that whole drama wouldn't have occurred. I just find it interesting how our group has grown and morphed through time, with one person or another losing favor as alliances change. Since I have pretty much been out of the picture for the past couple years, I feel that I can't know which side of the story to place myself (not that that is new... I've usually been in the middle of things in just about every issue... good ole neutral Anja :P). I don't really want to get caught in the middle of the silent feud that seems to be going on, but I'm not going to write off one side just because another side says I should, and I don't feel any animosity against the accuser, either, for they have their reasons as well. Basically, I'm going to remain neutral until I know more of what's happening, and even then, I will probably remain neutral. If that bothers people, that I can't and won't pick a side in most cases, then they really don't know me very well and are too closed minded to understand that every side, no matter how bad one or the other sounds, has its own reasoning that needs to be listened to and empathized with.

more random tests/quizzes

Am-I-Dumb.com - Intelligence Test

    66.5/100Rate My LifeRateMyLife.net - Find out if you suck at life


HumanForSale.com - For sale by owner!


CadaverForSale.com - How much is your body worth?


NameThatDisease.com - Test your disease knowledge


NameThatSerialKiller.com - Test your serial killer knowledge


Click here to create your own painting.

Just twelve days to go.....

Well, once again, I have failed to keep up the blog regularly. Not too surprising, really, as whenever something is not done easily, I tend to procrastinate until I forget all about it.
But anywho, I've been home now for a month. For the most part things are back to normal, though I am already itching for the freedom of living on my own again. I'm so tempted to find some house to rent a room in, but I have so little money at this point (a grand total of $300 in the bank, $200 of which I cannot touch if I want my savings account to stay open) that I really could not afford to pay rent and utilities. My only feasible option for the near future is to completely raid the rest of the money from the funds my grandfather set up for me and use it to make a down payment on a house. Then, I could rent out the other rooms to people and use that money to make the monthly payments. But really, that isn't going to happen for at least another year.
Once again I am back into my crazy-busy schedule. To give you an idea, here's what my schedule for this week is looking like
Monday- 7:30am (8:00 at latest to miss traffic) drive to Solano for classes
9-10am Music Theory
11-12 Beginning Modern Dance
2:30pm drive back to Davis
5:30-11:30pm work at the hotel
Tuesday- 7:30 drive to SCC
9-10 Music Theory
11-12:30 Beginning Ballet
12:30-1:30 Beginning Jazz
1:30-2:30 Voice Class
2:30 drive back to Davis
5:30-11:30 work at the hotel
Wednesday- same as Monday
Thursday- same as Thursday, no work
Friday- same as Monday/Wednesday, but add:
1:00-3:00 Jazz & Pop Voice Class
no work
Saturday/Sunday- 12:00-6:00pm work at the hotel

This schedule, by the way, does not include the belly dance classes I'll be taking Thursday nights starting on the 9/4, nor the ballet classes I want to take at Applegate. Phew. So far my feet have been behaving fairly well, so I'm hoping that they'll stay good so I can start getting back into shape.

In other news, it is now just under two weeks until Dan is coming to the States! I can't begin to describe how excited I am. I mean, I know we've been apart for roughly the same amount of time before at Christmas and while I was traveling in Europe, but still, 5,800+ miles and 8 timezones is a heck of a lot bigger distance than previously experienced. I've managed to keep from being overly preoccupied by his/my absence for the most part, with only periodic times of complete loneliness, so I think I'm coping okay. Still, it's really, really difficult. There isn't a waking hour of my day when I don't think of him, when I'm not wondering what he would think of this or that, or just really wishing I could see the way his eyes light up when he smiles. I know I've been in relationships in the past where I was so certain of things, where I thought I knew it would last, but nothing thus far has compared to my relationship with Dan. We just seem so well suited to each other that it's as if we're an extension of the other person,without losing our own identity. We argue, quite often really because we both are stubborn and like to debate, but only rarely does it seem to hurt one or both of us, and we never go more that 5 minutes staying mad at each other.... it always ends in "I don't like being mad at you", "I don't like being mad at you either," "I'm sowwy," "I'm sowwy!". I know I'm kinda gushing, but I really haven't had much opportunity to do so. The only person I've really discussed this with is my mom, and that's kinda different, no?
Anywho, when Dan gets here, we have a trip to Disneyland planned, the big birthday party for Meg & I, a couple trips to S.F., and just general exploring around Davis and Sacramento. I can't wait to show him the dance studio, Village Homes, Slide Hill Park, all my old childhood haunts, and show him where I came from. Now will be the time to introduce him to all the places and people I've told him about over the past year.
But yeah, I think I've done enough babbling for now, and as it's almost 1am and I have to be up in 6 hours to get ready for school, I'd best be off to bed. Hopefully I'll update with more soon!

Some random quizzes...

... cuz I'm bored of sorting my luggage out.

You Are Fall!

Thoughtful Expressive Creative Poetic Smart

What Season Woman Are You?

What Fruit are You? (Detailed personality description.)

YOU are a GRAPE! You are very reflective, sensitive, flexible, creative, and prefer to work in groups. you learn best when you can work and share with others, balance work with play, can communicate, and are noncompetitive. You tend to have trouble giving exact answers, focusing on one thing at a time, and organizing. Try to pay more attention to detail. Don't rush into things, and be less emotional when making some decisions. Ideal job: Some kind of artist/musician. Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

What Law & Order Character Are You?

Lennie Briscoe Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

What Elemental Goddess Are You? (Earth, Fire, Wind, Water) + Pictures +

Earth Goddess Take this quiz! Quizilla | Join | Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Coming Home

Well, as some of you already know, I'll be back in Davis in less than a week, the night of the 26th. Man, what a year it has been. It's seemed to have flown by, but it also feels like I'm coming home to a different planet... so much has changed. I'm having a hard time facing the immanent loneliness that faces me upon my return. Pretty much since high school ended, I have had wild bouts of loneliness punctuated with relationships I've unconsciously used to fill the gap. This year abroad has taught me a lot about myself, and frankly, there is a lot I don't like, but I really am not sure how to change it, or even if I should. Would I still be me if I didn't worry so much? If I wasn't indecisive? If I wasn't so paranoid about hurting others that I end up hurting them anyway?
I've been painfully aware of the fact that I've grown apart from all of my old high school buddies, perhaps beyond repair in most cases, and that the only real friends I've made are the guys I've dated and their friends. Luckily, in Ireland it has been a bit different, and I have made a small number of friends on my own, though I'm having to leave some of them behind. I'm hoping upon my return to Davis that I can try to patch up some of the shambles of friendships that I've left behind, and to make peace with my conscience with those I've hurt in my struggle against this oppressive loneliness. So, if you are one of the above-mentioned people (and willing to give me another shot), I would really appreciate it if you would give me the time to meet up with you at some point, just to talk or hang out, just to see if there is anything left for me to grasp onto.

Just because I'm lazy and don't want to type up similar messages for other pages, I'm copying this from my blog and posting it on MySpace and Facebook as well.

Cheers

Snatched from James

More ranting

Well, the past two weeks have been a rollercoaster of emotions. I've gone from completely happy to utterly hopeless and depressed, and back again, and down again, and so on. I've gone low enough that I've scared myself and worried the few I've let see what's happening. Two nights in a row I cried for hours, unable to get control over my own body and mind. Luckily, the past few nights have been better, but tonight I can feel myself starting to go down hill again. This time, at least, I can sorta identify a trigger, or at least one of them.
My entire life, there has always been one constant for me, and I'm sure all of you know it: dance. It's been my only true passion. Sure, I love music and reading and all that other stuff, but dance is what is in my soul. However, my body and mind can't seem to cooperate to make things work. Last night I stayed up late to watch a Baryshnikov movie (White Nights, which also had Gregory Hines, Helen Mirren, and Isabella Rossellini) and tonight the episode of "Cold Case" was about a dancer. I have to say, I've never lusted over something so much as to wish I could dance like those people. My heart fell and soard with the dancers, my arms unconsciously mimiced and marked the steps. Even my breathing matched the pace of the dances.
I first felt this hopelessness when I sprained my knee. Granted, it didn't last long, and it never got this bad, because through it all I knew I'd get through it, even if only because of the fact that I'd have to in order to survive. But now I know better. Now I know that I do not have the drive, ambition, or the tallent to become a true dancer. Sure, I dance, but can I really call myself a dancer? I have this hopeless dream of being great, of performing in movies like those famous dancers, of taking classes at the great ballet schools. Yet, I know it will never happen, and knowing that is starting to wear away at what optimism I had.
Since I developed the plantar faciitis, I took 6 whole months off from dancing to let it heal. And then, this spring, when I tried to start up dance again, the injury reared its ugly head again and squashed my hope with it. My feet have gotten a bit better again since the show in mid-March, thanks to medicine and staying off of them as much as possible. However, my mood has dipped lower and lower in the process. I fear that I'll never be able to dance as much as I wish to, ever again. If I can't even manage one ballet class a week, and a very easy class at that, how will I ever get back into shape? How will I ever re-learn technique? When I sprained my knee I was at my peak... I could actually believe that someday I might be good enough to audition for the corps of some company. And then, after the sprain, I just never got it back. I even lost my desire to try, and now that the desire is back, it's as if my body conspires against me.
But dance isn't the only thing bringing me down. The vast emptiness that is my future life spreads before me with no road for guidence. Aside from continuing my usual persuits (dance, cello, singing, teaching), I have no idea what I want to do with my life. I still haven't decided what I want to study... I still haven't decided on a career. A part of me wishes I could study to become a formal dance teacher, but I doubt I'd ever be able to do so unless my feet get better. I feel so utterly weak and lazy. And because I have no goal, I find myself slacking off in school, and thus stressing over grades way too much with out any idea of why I'm even bothering. And, to top it off, I'm facing leaving yet another person behind, and this time I just know that I'll end up hurting them, that I'll be fickle yet again and that I haven't learned anything from my past mistakes.
So yeah, over all, right now I just wish I could disappear. Fade myself from people's memories of me. I'm pretty much to the point of hating myself and most things about my life, and am starting not to care whether or not I change anything. It scares me, but I'm so tired of always having to work so hard to change myself, to fix habits, to become what I want to be. For the first time I actually feel hopeless and can't see an end to the causes of this dark mood, let alone a cure for it. I hate myself for putting my problems upon others, always complaining instead of sucking it in and fixing things. Of being so damn lazy and emotional.

Some ranting

I seem to be going through another period of self-hate and general moodiness. It's odd, because it's more sunny outside, and really what S.A.D. I have should be clearing up. Ireland seemed to clear up my general apathy for awhile, but it's come back with force. Spring break starts tomorrow, and I have a trip to London planned out. Momma's coming in about a week, so that'll be good at least.

I hate being so broken all the time. I always seem to have a cold, or injury, or something. Right now my feet are acting up again, which isn't helping my mood because it means I can't go out for walks in the sunshine, nor can I dance. I can't even soak my feet properly because we don't have any pots big enough. I end up having to clean and put away all the dishes so I can sit on the counter and put my feet in the sink, and that only works sometimes. Between my feet, buggy head/migraines, and sucky moods, I'm not the best of company right now for my friends (who themselves are stressing out over exams), which means I'm left to entertain myself quite a bit, which means I get nothing done because I'm lazy.

So yeah, bleh.

CGD update

The show was a blast! Lots of things went wrong, but overall it was so much fun. I'm still recouperating, though :P As for how Mark & I did, we won the judges high score, and after the audience vote we were tied with another couple. However, after the tie brake vote from the judges, the other couple won. It was still great, though. As our piece was a lyrical, romantic ballet piece, it's pretty easy to see why the other couple won... they simply out-flashed us with a perkier, showier dance. Oh well. But yeah, I'd forgotten my camera, so I didn't get any backstage pictures, but I will be getting the DVD and hopefully some pictures from the night from friends.
Right now I still have a lot on my plate: planning a trip to London for spring break, planning for when my mom comes, studying for two quizzes coming up this week, doing a paper due on Friday, and studying for exams in general. Oh, and finding a ticket back to Cali! At this point I'm aiming to come home mid-late June (around the 20th or so, methinks) so that I can (finally) get some sun! Chances are I'll spend the entire summer poolside at the hotel or sunbathing in the back yard. Years of getting no sun, and then this year in Ireland, have turned me white :P I miss my tanness.
Anywho, it's St. Patrick's Day, and I have nothing to do. The pubs and stuff will be crazy because there's a huge rugby game going on, and I just don't like the crowds. There's a parade and festival going on, but I don't really want to go to that, either, since it's mostly just a tourist trap. So, what am I doing in Ireland on Paddy's Day? Moping around home, cooking corned beef & cabbage & potatoes for dinner, and cleaning my room. Bah humbug. I'm tempted to play third wheel and tag along with Dan and his buddies, but I'd be the only girl and that'd be kinda odd. I don't want to go out with Tara, because she just annoys me, and Jess is not going out tonight. Oh well, TV specials and cleaning it is, then.

Clubs Go Dancing

Well, tonight is the big performance! And, as usual, I have a cold just in time for the show, go figure. In it, I'll be doing three ballet pieces, a bellydance piece, and competing with my partner, Mark, who is from badminton club.
The idea for the competition is based off of Strictly Come Dancing, or Dancing With the Stars as the yanks would know it ;). A "professional" dancer is paired up with a "celebrity" and teaches them a dance routine. Mark and I are doing ballet, and yes, he is wearing tights.
The past few weeks have been crazy, and especially the past day or two. I was in charge of publications, so I designed all the posters, programs, voting cards, etc. Unfortunately, I should have had someone proof read the program before we spent hours yesterday printing them... in my sickly state I'd made a few typos and messed up the performance order!
Anywho, they'll be video taping the show, so I'll be sure to bring back a DVD and I'll have pleanty of pictures to post! I have some others to put up as well from the past couple of months, so as soon as spring break starts and life calms down a bit, I'll try to get them up.
Wish me luck in the competition!