"Some call it faith, some call it love...

...Some call it guidance from above
You are the reason we found ours
So thank you stars

Some people think it's far away
Some know it's with them every day
You are the reason we found ours
So thank you stars

There are no winds that can blow it away on the air
When they try to blow it away is when you know it will always be there

To some it's the strength to be apart
To some it's a feeling in the heart
And when you're out there on your own
It's the way back home

There are no winds that can blow it away on the air
When they try to blow it away is when you know it will always be there

Some call it faith, some call it love
Some call it guidance from above
You are the reason we found ours
So thank you stars
Thank you stars
Thank you stars

-Katie Melua

I watched Polar Express today with Syd, and it reminded me of a conversation I've had with several different people regarding loss of faith. Now, mind you, several of the more devout people I've discussed this with have been offended, but I mean no offense at all, and am merely trying to reconcile my own lack of faith as it would pertain to organized religion.
I have often likened a loss of faith in God to that pivotal time in kids lives (at least in America) when they lose their faith in Santa Clause. This is not said to belittle people's beliefs in God in anyway. But, think about it: when you are a child growing up (at least in most American households), your year pretty much revolves around your birthday and Christmastime. The magic of Santa performing the impossible and implausible simply adds to the magic of family tradition and thanksgiving. Receiving your heart's desire on Christmas morning under the tree makes every other offense fade inconsequentially into memory. It is also such with God: you are raised to believe in him/her/it and are provided with what you want most through one means or another (prayer, motivation, miracles, etc). God is a constant in your life, just as Santa will always show up on Christmas Eve, and performs impossible, implausible acts for your benefit, all the while maintaining a sense of mystery.
Both God and Santa are held in faith until that one day when that nagging question enters your mind: If God/Santa exists, then why did (enter your doubt-invoking occurance here) happen? After that first question comes a second, and then a third, and then you begin doubting all you have ever believed about God/Santa. Now, either this questioning can lead to the answers you seek, in which case your faith will be strengthened, or you will lose faith completely, no matter how much you wish you did believe. Faith is not something you can know, it has to be something that is so intrinsic that it is above questioning. Knowledge is always being questioned, as it should be so that we as humans can grow and develop, but therefore it cannot really come into the discussion of faith.
Now, again, this is not said to belittle God in any way, shape, or form. Remember: as a child, your belief in Santa was unconditional and all-consuming... so even if you had believed in God, it is not God who is lowered, but instead Santa who is elevated to God-like status. Also, something to think about is that since God is everything, he is technically beyond our imagination and comprehension, so who are we to say that Santa isn't God, or has God in him, or an extension of God? How can having faith in Santa be blasphemous or belittling to God if God created/is Santa?
Anywho, I know I am meandering all over this topic, but basically where I'm going with this is my own personal lack of faith in general. I have faith in humans in general, I have faith in intuition and emotions and the power we have to create things and to connect with one another. But I have no faith in Santa or God. I lost my faith in Santa long ago when I realized that Santa's handwriting on our presents looked exactly like my mom's. With God, however, or any other omnipresent/omnipotent being, I never had that faith to begin with. I was raised without a religion, and without any sort of guidance as to what to believe. Now, as much as we'd like to believe that we are entirely independent and original, we cannot create anything without /some/ sort of inspiration or instruction.
... to be continued

Loneliness

Isn't it odd how you can be lonely even when you're very rarely alone? I think it takes a particular mindset to keep yourself from loneliness, and most of the time, I do not have it. I'm perfectly find spending hours on my own, doing my own things, but the moment I feel the lack of supportive friendships, of having someone to rant to daily, to listen to and connect to, I lose all independence whatsoever. When this occurs, as it often does, I tend to 1) the internet and its many escapes, 2) random friendly people who are too nice to turn me away or care enough to actually listen. I can easily rant for extended periods of time without even realizing quite what I am saying 'til later, which tends to lead to me divulging too much information upon the hapless person. Right now, between stress from family issues, health issues, and having my one major support being thousands of miles away, I'm floundering. I feel as if I've been set adrift and everything that I want is too far out of reach for me to attain.
The two perks of such loneliness, however, help light up my gloom and doom: namely, finding friends where previously there were none and/or strengthening previous friendships, and giving myself pretty much a steady stream of inspiration, both for dance and writing. It's as if my creativity tries to distract my brain from other, less happy, thoughts with new ideas. However, this can often cause me to turn to not-so-sustainable outlets, such as my usual online games and chatting with random strangers who in the long run will most likely forget about me in a week or two.
Having this much time in my own head also leads to other bad habits: namely that endless cycle of self doubt and guilt that I am oh so good at. Since I've already ranted about this to two understanding people, I will refrain from any more of it, but let's just say that I am fantastic at guilting myself and then second guessing every little thing, which causes me to feel guilty, which causes me to doubt because I feel guilty, which causes me to feel guilty for doubting because I feel guilty....