untitled

she smiles even though she's unhappy
she can't bear to let them know
though she laughs and enjoys things
people, flowers, activities
she hurts and cannot make it go away
they tell her to just shrug it off
to stop being lazy and DO something
occasionally she does, but it never works
it never fixes the brokenness she feels
she'll be happy for a month
a week, a day
but it always comes back
creeping out of no where
a storm blown in from the east
to blot out the sun
it eats her soul from inside
makes her worry, makes her doubt
though she trusts explicitly
she cannot trust herself
now and then she opens up
she tells someone her pain
some brush it off
some offer pity and comfort
rarely do they share it
make it less, make her whole
she turns inside herself
more comfortable there than exposed
though outwardly she is friendly
longing for companionship
she's afraid of being a burden
terrified of causing someone else
to bear her pain
she martyrs herself needlessly
and even though she knows it
she cannot stop
no amount of good advice
of cheering friendship
of loving embrace
can seem to keep the clouds at bay
so, she holds it in when she can
she deals with it
she moves on as best she can
never letting the world know
how her heart breaks so often
how her self-confidence wars
with the destruction of self-doubt
how she hurts for everyone, for everything
so that the only way to function
the only way to live
to find some measure of happiness
with herself and the world
is to shut herself off from it at times
close her heart, her ears, her head
and be alone to cry

Summer Goals and Plans

Well, I'm trying to figure out my goals for summer, and I need some input and help on sticking to my limits and so forth. I'll be getting home back to Cali probably in the 2nd or 3rd week of May, depending on how long my mom and I take driving cross-country.

1) I plan on doing a complete overhaul cleaning/purging of my room by mid-July.

2) I'm going to limit my internet time in some fashion. Here's one point I need input on: would it be better to limit myself to a certain amount of time per day (i.e. 2 hours per day), or better to limit my online time only to certain days (i.e. Fri-Sun)?

3) Except for when I'm recovering for my surgery, I plan to take the puppies for a walk both morning and evening. Would love it if family or friends would join me on a regular basis!

4) I'm going to aim at getting up no later than 9am every day, gradually working my way to getting up at 7:30am at least on Monday/Wednesday/Fridays by the time I head back to school so that I won't completely die with my 8am class in the Fall.

5) I plan to do my quad/inner thigh PT exercises every day, building up to at least 100 reps per day. I also plan to stretch, especially my quads and psoas. All of this is to hopefully heal my chronic patellar tendinitis.

6) First thing in the morning, before breakfast or a walk, I will do at least 10 mins of yoga. I also plan to do at least 10 mins of yoga every evening before bed.

7) I ///WILL/// take a multivitamin every day, without fail.

8) I will practice my cello so that by fall I'll be in shape to teach lessons.

9) Other than when I am recovering from surgery, I will take at least one ballet technique class a week, preferably two or more.

Any input, tips, or other comments on all this would be greatly appreciated. I'll probably add to the list as I come up with more things I need to work on this summer.